I can’t ever recall having to think about making friends. Being outgoing meant I was never one of those shy kids on the playground who saved a spot on the swing for their imaginary friend Alice (no disrespect to Alice). In high school, I always managed to have a pretty solid friend group. Throughout college, I was a part of honorary clubs, my school’s newspaper staff, and theatre productions, but also made friends organically though my dorm, parties, and my eventual declared majors. Out of college, many of those friendships continued as I lived in the same city for years, but I also met new friends through acting and fitness classes. I’d host regular wine nights in my tiny apartment and my social calendar was usually pretty full. In thinking about it now, I can hardly recall ever being alone on weekends.
Flash-forward to last December. I moved to an entirely new city post-pandemic and have to actively think about making friends here. Even though my significant other is a born-and-raised San Diegan with tons of friends and family in the area, it was and still is very important to me to make my own friends. For some reason, I expected to make those connections much sooner. I had never had an issue making new friends in Los Angeles, so how could this city be any harder?
From “my weekends are already booked up that month” to “I don’t have childcare that night,” I’ve heard it all. And honestly? It’s definitely made me feel a little insecure at times. Here is my significant other, surrounded by all the amazing friendships he had made throughout his upbringing in this city, and here I am, a twenty-eight year old far from home with no real close friends in the same city.
If you’ve been in this same place in your life, you can probably relate to that feeling of feeling totally discouraged. Of being SO confused because you have so much to offer as a friend. Of feeling like you’re in the wrong movie about your life because in your movie, you’re the main character who has tons of fabulous friends in a fabulous new city! Girl, same.
But trust me, it does get better with time. The key is both patience and persistence.
Did you know US researchers have tried to quantify the amount of time it takes to build a friendship? They estimate it takes roughly 50 hours of shared contact to move from acquaintances to casual friends. And to be what you’d consider a close friend? More than 200 hours. When you think about that and then think about how difficult it is to get someone to commit to a simple, hour-long coffee date, it’s no wonder building friendships as an adult feels impossible.
In fact, people have likened making friends as an adult to dating, except much, much harder. Yet even in my slightly-older age where people notoriously become more homebody-esque, I am more than happy to put forth an effort in the hopes of connecting with someone awesome. I will slide into DMs, strike up a conversation with a cool girl at a bar, join or even create Facebook groups in the area. But my point is, it’s work and I don’t think people talk about that enough. We all know dating is work, but friendships somehow get perceived as this thing that happens organically. Whether we’re worried we’ll seem uncool or desperate or sad, people refrain from admitting it’s tough out there as an adult looking for new friends.
In my pursuit to connect with new women in my new city, it’s been interesting to hear that SO many are also in the same boat. Some of these women have years on me here and still haven’t fully connected with a core group. Instead, they make weekend trips to friends in far-away places and then spend their weeknights completely alone.
So, why exactly is it so hard to make friends as an adult? Aside from people already having established friend groups, I think life just gets harder and busier as we age and people just don’t feel like making the time to connect. We’re not in Kindergarten anymore. It’s not like you can trade snacks at lunch or let them cut you in the recess line and, boom, you’re instant friends. As we get older, people tend to prioritize time outside of work with family or significant others over time spent building new friends. There’s also many women around my age with kids who would prefer to connect with other women in the kids club (no shade, just an observation). And, with people working remotely more than ever, the probability of meeting friends through work has lessened.
Instead, adults are met with the suggestion of meeting friends through apps or striking up conversations at the gym. Some people just don’t feel like making that effort, which means that for those of us who do, we’ll be the ones putting ourselves out there time and time again. It can get exhausting, but I do think it’s worth it.
I hold a lot of value in friendships, especially ones I’ve built and nurtured and continue to uphold as my longtime friends move to further away cities. While I love my significant other, he cannot hold a candle to my female friendships. If you’re someone who prioritizes independence in your romantic relationships, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Friendship is important and science literally proves it. “Friends are a potent mood booster and stress buster (while loneliness can be as bad for your body as smoking a pack a day).”
I am about eight months in to living in San Diego and I’m slowly starting to see the silver lining. My efforts are finally being recognized. You won’t instantly connect with everyone new you meet and it may take a few meet-ups to feel like you’ve found a friend you’d want to graduate from coffee dates with, but you will make connections if you keep at it. Don’t let someone’s crazy schedule discourage you. Be patient, but persistent. The right people will make the time.
Join a Facebook group. Don’t overlook friends of friends. Ask family members if they know anyone in the area. Go to a workout class. Hit up your neighborhood bar. Tell people you’re new to the city and hoping to make some connections. Trust me, no one will think you’re lame or desperate because chances are, they’ve been there, too.
Just don’t give up. I’m always reminding myself of that. Because if you know in your heart that you’re a good friend, there are future friends out there for you. You just have to let them know you’re available.
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